Of firsts

It's been such a long time since I've parked myself in front of this particular desktop PC.

There were nights when I sat here, and I poured my heart out. When I cried after breakups, when all I wanted to do was to fall asleep and never wake up.

And then there were nights like this one. So much I want to say, but never finding the right words to say it.

But I guess I just need to deal with it, like I've been told so many times.

"Big fucking deal, Joy. You'll live."

The year has thrown so many ups and downs in my path that I don't even know where to start.

There is Jaden. And I can't even begin to describe how much I love that boy. He's so tiny, and so heartbreakingly beautiful. I remember the day he was born, and that lump I swallowed when I heard his first cry. I remember the first time he stared at me with those dark liquid eyes of his, and I had to turn away to brush that stray tear in my eye. I remember kissing him goodbye on his head and being punched in the eye. I remember that tiny pout that looks so much like mine. I remember that sickening fear in the pit of my stomach when I sent him to the hospital. I remember the way he looked at me when I gave him one last hug before I left for China. I remember how it made me want to stay so I wouldn't miss out on a whole month of my favorite boy's life. God, I love that boy so much. He makes me feel so alive, less alone.

Jaden, it is truly a privilege to be your kai ma. Thank you for all those firsts.

There is the trip to China. And I still beat myself up every single day, for not having dealt with it better. I wished I didn't cry, I wished I didn't let anyone break me. I wished I was tougher, I wished I was a better Line Producer. I wished I made it work. I wish, I wish, I wish. I always wish, always. Always a little too late. But for most parts, I'm glad I spent the month there. I'm glad I was served that opportunity in a silver platter. I'm glad I met new people. I'm glad I traveled. I'm thankful that there were people who had my back. I'm thankful there were people who always caught me before I fell. I'm glad I came home with a renewed appreciation for everything I have here at home. I wouldn't trade that month for anything in the world. All those firsts. The first time my mum chatted with me on MSN and ended with "Mummy loves you". The first time my brother texted me, asking me to hang in there. The first time it hit me that all I had was me, myself and I. The first time I saw my own breath in the cold. The first step into the Forbidden City. The first pair of wool gloves and winter boots. The first bout of homesickness that lasted till I came home. The first pangs of loneliness. The first nosebleed. The first taste of being completely foreign. So many firsts.

I would love to go back there for work one day. And when that time comes, I promise, I will not cry. And I will make it work.

So what if this is pointless anyway?

It's been a long time since I've made a point to myself just by being pointless.

My year had been an intense rollercoaster ride. But I wouldn't have it any other way.

Happy New Year, guys.