Thursday, January 14, 2010

January 10

I spent the day in a cloud of confusion, dodging in and out of rows and rows garments in all shapes, sizes and colors.

I thought of my Daddy on the day of his 58th, one foot on the retirement path, the other one planted on a lifetime of work.

I remember the weeks before when he was so poorly in health, wheezing like a kitten with every slight breath he took. Coughing, hacking, barely getting any sleep. Blue in the face and barely able to speak.

Yes, that was my Daddy in the weeks before his 58th. And those were probably the most obvious signs in recent times that my Daddy was aging, whether I was ready to accept it or not.

And so on the day of my Daddy's 58th, I spent a good 30 minutes on the floor of one of those aisles, where I was partially hidden by the numerous garments in the warehouse.

I wondered why I was there on that particular day. I wondered why I chose to be away today. I wondered why I had firmly walked down this same path for the past 6 years.

I wondered if my Daddy had known all along that this day would come.

I saw him walk by a few times, looking for me, perhaps to offer a few words of comfort.

And yet, I sat still, barely breathing for the longest time, just wanting to hide. I didn't want to be found.

In the 6 years that I had stubbornly soldiered on, today I wanted to disappear.

I have no use for cruel words or fake smiles. No use for insincere apologies and unspoken grief.

And here, on the dusty floor of the warehouse, on my Daddy's 58th birthday, I remember the words he spoke to me the night before my first day in college; that it is my choice and mine alone.

I will see through it.

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